Black wings and a head of gold
by tanithcooper
Summary: Good omens inspired. Demon!Bilbo and Angel!Kili. Bilbo had settled down in the shire and was quite happy thank you very much. Well he was before he was uprooted from his home and taken on a go- hellforsaken quest because a daft angel decided it would be good for his morals. Rating may go up later.
1. Prologue

"You did what?!" Kili exclaimed, looking at the demon in horror.

"It was a cute dragon to be fair to it." Bilbo shrugged, looking out of the window. "Besides, _you are dust, and to dust you shall return_… well ashes in their cases." He smirked, ignoring the ungodly feeling of hatred and despair coming from the other man.

"I _liked _Erebor. I was quite happy there, and Dale was very nice too! I could have died!"

"Oh, don't be so dramatic, you would have just discorperated and would be waiting for a new body. Your side seem much better with that than mine does. Now, what are you calling yourself at the moment, Kili? You were an elf last time I checked, running around calling yourself Eriond." Bilbo said nonchalantly, looking over at the blond with a grin.

"Frerin, got myself into the line of Durin again, it's a nice life." He said, falling into a chair. "Well it was, until you decided that your pet dragon wanted a new out house. What about you, Bilbo?"

"Well. I'm down as Bungo. I still think you like those dwarves too much my dear. You should probably come away from the Durin line. They're too far gone to help. The goldsickness will claim them, and then they'll be mine." Bilbo raised his eyebrows, surveying the Angel as he pottered about his small home, investigating small artifacts Bilbo had collected through the years.

"There are unimaginable treasures in Erebor, you could have them if you guide the dragon away." Kili tried, visibly deflating as Bilbo shook his head. "What's done is done, dear boy. You know that more than most. Now come, like a good hobbit I have good food, strong wine and a warm hearth we can sit around."

* * *

After 'Bungo' had died in the fell winter and the demon was discorperated, Bilbo asked for an orphan Baggins-Took body, not bothering to hide his name this time as he was given to Belladonna to look after and make sure he was cared for. Despite the odd suggestion from Kili when he was around, he didn't cause the fell winter, nor did he cause that level of hatred in this place. The odd fight here and a rotted plant there, shirelings mysteriously falling off of the low branches of trees when they had annoyed him was nothing. He loved the shire, and everything in it, keeping true hatred out of it where he could, subjecting the other races to their misfortune instead.

Kili however had fought in the War for Moria, 'dying' on the battlefield by one of the orcs bashing him on the head with an axe while he was healing one of his comrades, his last thought one of _For heaven's sake _before he found himself back on the plains in said heaven. It took a good few years to finish the paperwork, but when it was done he was born of Kili Durin, son of Dis. He worked steadily, not showing his true skill with a sword but preferred a bow, unlike his 'brother' Fili. When he came of age, he followed his brother and uncle as they embarked on their quest, almost desperate to see Erebor again.


	2. The Good Morning Fiasco

Bilbo scowled as he looked along his path at the tall stranger walking up to his home. He put on an air of dignity and blew a smoke ring and closed his eyes, sneezing as the smoke flew unexpectedly into his face, his eyes flying open again to lay on Gandalf's form. "Good morning."

"What do you mean? Do you mean to wish me a good morning, or do you mean that it is a good morning whether I want it or not?" Gandalf replies, gaining a raised eyebrow from Bilbo. _Too bad he's theirs, otherwise I would kill him right now._ He thinks bitterly as Gandalf rambled on. "Or perhaps you mean to say that you feel good on this particular morning, or simply stating that this is a morning to be good on."

Bilbo frowned again, looking up at the giant of a man and mentally sighed at his misfortune for having to deal with wizards on a particularly good morning and that is just an expression thank you very much you old coot. "All of them at once I suppose. Can I help you?" He asked, deciding that it would be better to get this over and done with.

"That remains to be seen. I'm looking for someone to share in an adventure."

_Oh that's just fabulous._ "An adventure? Now I don't imagine anyone west of Bree would have much interest in adventures. Nasty disturbing things. Make you late for dinner." He tutted, Standing to look at his mail to try and find an excuse to leave. Finding it in a letter from the Elven King, he nodded and hummed before turning back up to his house, only regarding Gandalf for a moment more to say a final "Good morning." Just to rub it in.

"To think that I should have lived to be good-morninged by Belladonna Took's son, as if I was selling buttons at the door."

Now _that _stung. "_Beg_ your pardon?" He asked, thankful that the sentence had nothing he could hiss in, otherwise the game would be up.

"You've changed, and not entirely for the better, Bilbo Baggins." Gandalf stated, looking into Bilbo's eyes as if he could read his mind.

_Ignorance is the best policy. _"I'm sorry, do I know you?"

"Well you know my name, although you don't remember I belong to it. I'm Gandalf! And Gandalf means… me." The wizard stated grandly, expecting a reaction from what he thought was a young hobbit. So that was exactly what Bilbo would give.

"Gandalf…" he said, putting on a show for the old man. "Not Gandalf the wandering wizard, who made such excellent fireworks! Old Took used to have them on midsummer's eve. Well. Hmm, I had no idea you were still in business." In the business of being an interfering busybody.

"And where else should I be?" _Anywhere but here?_ Bilbo thought sourly as he hummed and put on a show of being confused for the wizard. "Well I'm pleased to find you remember something about me, even if it's only my fireworks. Well that's decided. It will be very good for you, and most amusing for me. I shall inform the others." Gandalf chuckled, looking up at Bilbo amusedly.

_Wait, what?!_ "Inform the who? What? No. No. No! Wait! We do not want adventures here, thank you. Not today, not- I suggest you try over the hill it across the water." He said, running back to his home with a last "Good morning." Before he turned and went into his home, door locked firmly. Damn wizards.

* * *

"Ah." Bilbo muttered as he stood face to face with a thug like dwarf, lips pursed into a thin line.

"Dwalin, at your service."

Oh gods. He thought, a whimper escaping his mouth as he stared at the large figure, quickly tying his robe together. "Bilbo Baggins, at yours." He replied, staring at the muscle mass who looked like a hellhound on a bad day… Dwalin pushed inside. "D-do we know each other?" Bilbo tried, almost certain that he didn't.

"No. Which way, laddie? Is it down here?" Dwalin asked, walking down his hallway to inspect his rooms.

"I-is what down where?" Bilbo asked brokenly, looking at the dwarf with exasperation as he was handed the dwarf's gear.

"Supper. He said there'd be food, and lots of it."

"H-He said? Who said?" Bilbo asked, looking at the dwarf with a sigh, leading him to the table.

This was ridiculous. He was a demon for g- sat- hell's sake! Why couldn't he just tell one measly dwarf to just piss off out of his home. He worked himself up as the dwarf ate the meal, and just as he was about to say go away, he heard:

"Mmmm. … Very good, this. Any more?"

"What? Uh, oh, yes, yes. Help yourself." He said, passing the dwarf a plate of biscuits, grimacing as Dwalin wolfed them down. "Mmmm. It's just that, um, I wasn't expecting company." He said, internally groaning as he heard the doorbell.

"That'll be the door." _No, really? Aw you really know your sounds, don't you? _Bilbo trudged down the corridor and opened the door, looking upon the elderly face of the dwarf, also good of heart.

"Balin, at your service." Said dwarf grinned with a bow, looking up at Bilbo expectantly.

"Good evening." Bilbo replied, wincing as he realised that it was possibly not the best thing to tell people, especially with the totally unneeded escapade with 'good morning'.

"Yes, yes it is, though I think it might rain later. Am I late?" _Thank hell that was short. Now to sort out the next problem._

"Late for what?" Bilbo asked, getting completely ignored as the newcomer walked off.

"Oh, ha ha! Evening, brother." Balin grinned, looking at the dwarf that stole Bilbo's dinner (not that he particularly needed it, it was just a matter of principle. You don't steal from a demon.)

"Oh, by my beard, you are shorter and wider than last we met.'

"Wider, not shorter. Sharp enough for both of us." Balin said, leaving Bilbo in horror as they whacked their heads together. Thick skulls, Bilbo reasoned, was probably the reason why this had happened in the first place.

"Uh, excuse me; sorry, I hate to interrupt, ah, but the thing is, I'm not entirely sure you're in the right house." Bilbo said, trying to play up the confused hobbit as much as he could, only to be ignored as they started to raid his pantry. "It's not that I don't like visitors; I-I like visitors as much as the next Hobbit, but I do like to know them before they come visiting." He tried again. "The thing is, um-" he said, dodging the blue cheese as it flew past him. "The thing is, um, I, I don't know either of you, not in the slightest. I don't mean to be blunt, but I uh, but I had to speak my mind. I'm sorry." He said loudly, both dwarves stopping their chatter to look at Bilbo.

"Apology accepted. Ah, now fill it up, brother, don't stint. I could eat again, if you insist." Balin said, Bilbo now distracted from the two by the doorbell once again, opening it to find two young dwarves, a blond and a brunette, with very familiar eyes. At this, Bilbo let out a moan of frustration, glaring at the brunette as they began to introduce themselves.

"Fili." The blond said, eyes fixed firmly on his host, and thus did not see his 'brother's' smirk.

"And Kili." He said, looking at the hobbit in amusement.

"At your service." They said together, bowing sat exactly the same time.

"You must be Mr. Boggins." Kili said, smirk widening to a shit eating grin.

Bilbo bit back a snarl. "Nope, you can't come in, you've come to the wrong house." He said firmly, the best way to deal with the angel outside, trying to close the door but Kili stuck his foot in to stop it. Just for Kili giving him the wrong name on purpose, the hobbit tried to close the door never the less to try and hurt him slightly, sighing as Kili's expression turned from amused to hurt in all of 0.1 seconds. _Damn Angels._

"What? Has it been cancelled?" He asked, Bilbo's cold heart feeling for the young man/extremely old angel.

"No one told us." The blond added with an equally pained facial expression.

"Can-? No-nothing's been cancelled." Bilbo said soothingly, trying to get the smile he knew (and secretly loved) back on the elf's face.

"Well, that's a relief." Kili said with a grin, obviously resisting the urge to laugh at his old friend as he realised the angel had tricked the demon.

"Careful with these, I just had 'em sharpened." The blond said with a nod, giving the demon his weapons, said demon resisting the urge to throw them violently at the dwarves.

"It's nice, this place. D'you you do it yourself?" Maybe stick a few in Kili for being an arse. Bilbo watched the brunette wipe his shoes and hang up his things like it was his home, pursing his lips together as he saw the mud Kili was wiping off onto the glory box.

"Ah, no, it's been in the family for years. That's my mother's glory box, can you please not do that?!" Came out before he could stop it from ever being sounded.

Dwalin's voice came from a further room, Bilbo quickly realising the muscle mass already knew the angel. "Fili, Kili, come on, give us a hand."

"Mister Dwalin." Kili said with his grin, nodding at the dwarf before moving to get the table, one that they both sat around to eat at the last time the dwarf came to visit.

"Let's shove this in the hallway, otherwise we'll never get everyone in." Bilbo heard, running a hand through his hair as he took this in.

"Ev-everyone? How many more are there?" He asked, gaining no response. He started to line up insults as he heard the bell go again. "Oh no. No, no! There's nobody home. Go away, and bother somebody else. There's far too many dwarves in my dining room as it is. If- if- If this is some clotthead's idea of a joke, ha ha, I can only say, it is in very poor taste." He said, opening the door, only just escaping a wave of dwarves that fell in, leaving one figure standing, grinning at their antics.

"Gandalf."


End file.
